The first one, "I Am Sev'rus," was written because
underlucius took a quiz at Quizella--one of those "Which Wildly OOC Snape are YOU" deals. She got "Sexy Snape." Most of the rest of us got "Canon Snape." I'm not really sure why I thought it would be a good idea to write a filk duet for Canon Snape and Sexy Snape. I just came up with the line, "I am Sev'rus, hear me snark"...and after that I couldn't stop.
The other one--"Lord Voldemort"--was written basically because I am certifiable. And because Dark Lords who keep frelling things up and getting away with it are ANNOYING.
I Am Sev'rus (To the tune of "I Am Woman")
Canon Snape:
I am Sev'rus, hear me snark,
As I stare at my Dark Mark
And lock the Dark Lord firmly from my mind.
Kids incompetent and lazy
Are all driving me quite crazy--
Swear I'll hit the next Gryff with Full-Body Bind.
[Chorus]
Oh, yes, I am wise,
But it's wisdom born of pain.
It's not worth the stress
That is sending me insane.
If I had to--
I might do anything!
I am strong (Strong!)
I am a greasy git (A greasy git!)
I am Sev'rus...
Sexy Snape:
I am sexy, I am gay
And the fans like me that way--
Picture me spread-eagled on a feather bed!
Every person, every creature
(Save that house-elf) has been featured
In my sexual escapades...or so it's said...
[Chorus]
Oh, yes, I am hot,
And seductive, and a dom.
Don't dare say I'm not,
For in bed I am da bomb!
If I have to,
I can do everyone!
I am sex! (Sex!)
I am quite passionate (Quite passionate!)
I am Sev'rus...
Canon Snape:
Go away now, you're not me,
You could never hope to be--
You're the kind of Gary Stu I've come to hate.
Sexy Snape:
Fans will go mad if they lack
Snupin, Snarry, Snucius, Snack--
And you can't destroy me now, it's far too late!
Canon Snape:
Oh, Merlin, I am doomed.
Sexy Snape:
You have been for quite a while.
Canon Snape:
How have things mushroomed?
Sexy Snape:
You're going down in style.
Canon Snape:
If I have to...I will slay JKR!
I am shrewd! (Shrewd)
Sexy Snape:
I am the god of sex! (The god of sex!)
Canon and Sexy Snape:
I am Sev'rus...
***
Lord Voldemort (to the tune of "Macavity" from Cats)
Lord Voldemort!
Lord Voldemort--the Darkest Lord. He's evil incarnate.
He's the terror of all wizards, the embodiment of hate.
Yet the Ministry swears he's not real, to Dumbledore's despair
For when they reach the scene of crime...Lord Voldemort's not there!
Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort,
He violates all human law, commits each crime and civil tort.
His frequent resurrections make the Holy Father stare...
But once young Harry has appeared--Lord Voldemort's not there!
You may seek him 'neath a turban, with a basilisk perchance...
But Voldemort is leading his foes on a merry dance.
Lord Voldemort's an undead fiend. He's very tall and thin
With hands like whitish spiders and red eyes all sunken in.
His head looks like the ruined skull of some pre-history snake;
That helium-tinged speaking voice keeps Death Eaters awake.
He postures and pontificates--I'm sure you get the gist--
While most D.E.s pray that he'll read the famed Overlord List.
Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort,
He fears no one but Dumbledore--and, perhaps, a toddler short.
You may see him in a graveyard, or a dream that brings a scare,
But once the trio dares appear…Lord Voldemort's not there!
He's outwardly still in control, despite twelve years of death,
Though the newspapers and Skeeter mock him with every breath.
But when the Aurors raid D.E.s or that Stone disappears,
Or a fang destroys a diary he's been lurking in for years,
When a prophecy is shattered, when each chance is past repair,
There's the wonder of the thing...Lord Voldemort's not there!
Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort
His followers all fawn on him, they flatter and they pay him court
He excuses every failure--if a comment one should dare--
It's Potter's fault he didn't win! Besides, he wasn't there!
And they say that all Dark Wizards (there have always been a few)--
I might mention Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix or Pettigrew--
Are nothing more than agents...but this warning kindly heed:
Unlike the man who is their boss, they've been known to succeed.
Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort,
He's the wizard's Willy Loman, two or three bricks of a load short.
He doesn't have the brains to win, by foul means or fair,
For once young Harry lifts his wand, Lord Voldemort,
Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort...
It's Potter's fault he didn't win! Besides, he wasn't there!
Lord Voldemort's not there!
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Comments
Pray tell, what is "Snack"? On the other hand, I`m not sure I want to know...
And thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed them!
Would you mind if I did a post on "Tickle me Harry" to these two?
A community for comedic fics/art/poems/fliks.
But I know what you mean - in this fandom, you never know...
:D
Second one, on the other hand, is brilliant. *sings along*
I Am Woman
Helen Reddy
-peak Billboard position # 1 for 1 week in 1972
-Words and Music by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul
CHORUS
I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
FADE
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
http://www.livejournal.com/users/jo
This is the site itself.
http://www.playwitch.net/
Umm, I knew immediately I had to crosspost to HP folks.
Don't know if you already know these folks, but I think it's funny. Feel free to pass it along to anybody you think needs some cheering up...
From the interview with Snape, under a pic that's hysterical in itself...
What made you decide to leave?
A great many things changed my mind. I realized many of the things Voldemort was saying were delusions of grandeur conjured by a warped mind. Muggle born witches and wizards are no different than Purebloods really. Voldemort’s major argument was Purebloods were superior in intelligence and power, which I came to realize, was unfounded. I know a great many Purebloods with the intelligence of a box of hair. And a great many Muggle born wizards and witches who surpass even the most intelligent of wizards.
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
Bronze masks for the Death Eaters. No comment necessary.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
He's broken this one four times to date. Wouldn't you think he'd notice that this didn't work?
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
Broken in Chamber of Secrets.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
CoS again.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
Broken twice, in PS/SS and in CoS.
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
Broken in GoF. Peter's advice regarding not killing Bertha Jorkins (he said her disappearance and death would attract attention from the wizarding world) and using another enemy's blood instead of Harry's (quicker, easier and would get Voldie resurrected sooner) was sound.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
The DEs use nothing but magic. Honest to God, the Order could take them out by Incendio-ing or Expelliarmusing their wands. Not to mention that sniper rifles and hand grenades might prove useful against the DEs as well; after all, purebloods know little of Muggle technology.
29. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
Nagini, anyone? Who crawls around free and who doesn't seem to like anyone?
30. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
Dresses in basic black.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
Has killed at least one DE for telling him something he didn't want to hear.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
Broken in GoF and in OotP.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
He's got Peter. Voldemort seems unaware that Peter, who has been in his organisation since circa 1980 (and it's now summer of 1996), is one of four people who developed a map of Hogwarts of astounding detail...and that Peter can get in and out of places very easily because he's a rat Animagus. It amazes me that there are three Legilimens in the books (Voldemort, Dumbledore and Snape), and yet they miss such obvious details.
Hee. I can just picture Voldemort dresses in bright, cheery colors and walking around outside. Harry would see him and be like, "Do I know you? You seem very familiar."
I loved I Am Sev'rus, featuring both canon and sexy Snape. I actually sang it out loud. :-D
I've never seen or listened to Cats so the Voldemort filk didn't really have an impact on me.